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My Annulment

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“In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself in a dark wood” – Opening line of Dante’s Inferno

Eight years after my wedding day I find myself by myself with my two dogs on my family’s tree farm in rural Louisiana. My wife and I have separated, and I have begun the process of annulment, properly called by the Catholic Church a Decree of Nullity. It is something I never thought would happen to me (No, that is for other people, right?), but here I am with some wisdom to pass along that I have obtained the hard way and with the most ruthless mix of emotions one could imagine.

Sunrise on the farm

Sunrise on the tree farm, and the old abandoned milk bottling barn

One thing that makes it easier is that we don’t have any kids. In fact that plays a large part in why we are going through this in the first place. A few years into our marriage it was made very clear to me that she never wanted to have children. As I saw my siblings and friends around me raising beautiful babies and acting in accord with nature, it made me realize that my marriage was never a real thing – at least not what God might call real.  I’m not pining for dirty diapers and sleepless nights, but I cannot and will not close myself off to the fullness of life.

This is not the place to air out a list of her shortcomings; trust me when I say I have my own. There is no hate between us, but I want to explain a little about what I have learned about the process, to describe the emotions I am feeling, and to give some advice to anyone who is considering married life.

It’s Not “Catholic Divorce”

In order to have your marriage declared null, you do have to first get a civil divorce through the appropriate governmental offices. However, a Decree of Nullity, to paraphrase, states that a marriage never had true Sacramental validity and the bond of matrimony never existed in the eyes of God. Marriage is indissoluble, but what is being dissolved in this case was not marriage.

In every Sacrament except for marriage, the Sacrament is administered by a priest. In marriage however, the Sacrament is administered by the bride and groom to each other. If for any reason either person was not truthful about his or her vows, coerced, or incapable of making a good decision, because of mental disease, for example, then the ministering of the Sacrament was not performed in truth. Because of this, there is not Sacramental validity.

After the civil divorce is finalized, a petitioner must submit a writing of his or her life story, including the story of the spouse. This is an incredibly healing step that the Church in Her wisdom has required, not only to provide facts, but to let all of the good, the bad, and the ugly pour out of one’s head onto paper. It is cathartic to write one’s own story. I attended a 5-week writing workshop that was sponsored by the Archdiocese.

In addition to writing this small autobiographical book, there are several documents you have to gather, such as your marriage certificate and both of your baptismal certificates. The civil divorce takes about 6 months, and after that you submit your petition for annulment along with all of these documents to the Church. There are canon lawyers who will read your story, look over your documents, and then about a year or so later if the marriage is declared null, then you will be free to marry in the Church or pursue some other vocation that God might have in store for you.

This article from EWTN describes the annulment process in more detail.

Resetting a Broken Heart

The range and mix of emotions I have felt over the past few months is difficult to describe, but I will try.

  1. Immediately after making this decision, I felt relieved for the most part. This was something that had been brewing for quite some time, and I knew deep in my heart that I was not participating in something that resembled the reality of the mutual self-giving that is marriage. To break through to the truth of the matter was a good feeling.
  2. Then, less than a week later, came the intense sadness. I probably cried for 4 days straight, bawling at the slightest good memory of things we had done together. There I was without the person who had become my closest friend for the past 8 years, and she would no longer be a part of my life. I couldn’t wrap my head around all of the unknown changes that would be to come. I felt like a failure. How could I have been so blind and stupid to have made this choice? Would I ever love again? That sort of thing.
  3. I went and talked to two priests (separately) who couldn’t have been more loving and supportive and understanding, and I felt OK again. In fact I felt really free to be me, becoming reassured that I was probably doing the right thing. Every big life decision I make from this point forward is completely mine without having to talk it over with someone else who may or may not have good advice or clear insight.
  4. Then there was an incident that was really awful. The details are too personal to write here, but let’s just say my heart was unfairly ripped apart and my eyes were opened wide.The resulting emotion for about 2 or  3 days was a combination of anger, jealousy and devastation quickly followed by intense clarity.
  5. Now, when I’m at home there is a combination of a grating loneliness combined with the freedom of being able to focus on my own life and developing good habits and virtues. I’ve been going to the gym more, and working out is something that I can control and measure, and being fit helps to keep my mind still. I’m not too chatty, but I do like good conversation, which I miss.
  6. When the loneliness gets too unbearable, I go out to a restaurant, bar, or coffee shop in the small town near my farm and mostly people watch. I start thinking about what it means to be single and dating. Dating. Yuck. I thought that part of my life was over long ago. At least now I am a degree wiser, and there is no anxiety about finding Mrs. Right.
  7. Last week I went to a prayer service for young adults in the Archdiocese of New Orleans. I’m a little older than most of the people there, and that didn’t really bother me too much. My life’s journey has circled back around to a place where most of them are in their lives, being single and wondering what’s next. Besides, being around prayerful, nice people is better than sitting at home alone. While there, I had an epiphany that I needed to pray for everyone else in the chapel instead of for myself, and what that did was open up a channel of forgiveness in my heart. I want her to be happy. I want her to live life to the fullest. Forgiveness is the only path to peace.

Before You Say “I Do”

My wife and I originally met after Mass one Sunday. During the course of the time we were together we went to Mass together weekly. Those things are very important, but they are not enough. To go to Mass is a public and external action, but it doesn’t necessarily mean anything specific about one’s interior life.

Here are some general red flags to consider:

If you are passionate about issues like the sanctity of life and the other person is lukewarm, then perhaps he or she is not the right match for you. For example, if you get excited about going to The March For Life, and the other person has difficulty with how this might be perceived by his or her group of friends, then that could be a sign that you are not going to see eye-to-eye on a lot of other things.

When you use the word “God,” is it the same meaning for both of you? Do you both believe in the divine Being who has characteristics of a person (i.e. a personal God), or does one of you use the word “God” to mean an impersonal spiritual force, like electricity or the wind? There are New Age interpretations of Christianity that seem attractive to some people but are neither orthodox nor historically based in fact. Be sure this is defined before marrying someone.

If you come from a happy and unbroken family in which your parents have stayed married, one in which you and your siblings are well-adjusted and always have the other’s best interest at heart, then just be conscious that not everybody had that experience growing up. We all have some degree of brokenness in ourselves, but the brokenness of one’s family in childhood is a different experience altogether. It greatly affects how someone goes into a marriage, what the expectations are, and what passes for appropriate behavior in the relationship.

And here is a point written especially for the guys out there. God made us very visual. He made it so we are drawn through the eyes towards someone with visible beauty, and it is a normal part of our nature as men. However, the point is this: Pretty is just pretty. Nothing else. It is one factor among many, and it is not close to being the most important. The bond of trust, respect, and self-giving is infinitely more important, and finding someone with whom this comes naturally is the key.

The post My Annulment appeared first on Ignitum Today.


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